There are still four days to go, five until their party.
I’m not ready! I’m not ready! I’m not ready!
It’ll be okay. It will all come together. It always does.
You’re disorganised for a reason. It’s because you’re not ready for this, for them to turn two. For them to lose their baby faces, their chubby baby arms.
Why didn’t I feel this way when they were one?
It was such a whirlwind year, it literally was a blur. Do you actually remember their birthday last year?
I was definately more organised.
You need to see this for what it is. The end of your baby making. Never to have that squirming life within you, never to breathe in that earthiness of your newborn, look into their eyes for the first time. It is the end of a right of passage.
There is so much to do, to get ready. I haven’t wrapped presents, haven’t done party shopping, haven’t done anything much, just sat and watched them play, listened to them talking, babbling to one another, me.
You’ll be okay, you’ll get through this. It hurts, oh I know it does but there will be new passages to cross, new stages to take your mind away from losing your babies to the ever moving circle of life.
It only seems like yesterday that we welcomed them into our lives.
Yes but now it is time to move forward, enjoy the here and now.
Okay. Tomorrow. I will start fresh tomorrow. Tonight, I need to remember their tiny little fingers wrapped around my one clumsy pointer and my heart. I need to remember the journey we travelled to get to this point. Is that alright? Just one more night to think of them as my babies? Then I will throw myself head on into toddlerhood… and making cakes.