Some history, a birth story and some facts.
Before I throw you into Ivy and Noah’s birth, I thought it would be good to give you a bit of history as to how we got to this point. To understand how I was feeling, I guess you need to know William’s story.
Read it if you like but basically;
I am a midwife.
Imogen and Madeline and Lily were all born by caesarean section.
I made a decision to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarean) and researched it for a long time before deciding it was the right thing to do.
In the second stage of labour (the pushing part) my uterus ruptured, along my old scar, a little into the upper segment and down to my cervix.
William was severely compromised because of this.
Although, ultimately, it was found that William had a critcal aortic valve stenosis and some mitral valve abnormalities too, that were undiagnosed on ultrasound, his birth did not do him any favours.
Even though the cardiologist said that Will only had a 10% chance on the operating table (very small as his stenosis was severe) if everything had been perfect and he had received the surgery as soon as he was stabilised, I blame myself.
I will live with this forever.
I still believe and advocate VBAC. Statistically, only .98% of women attempting a ‘trial of scar’ will have uterine rupture. 1:200 births, whether it be after one or two caesars.
William and I were the first uterine rupture with death of a baby in 467 VBACs in our hospital.
(((hugs)))
Vaginal births seem easier to recover from. You did the right thing.
I’m sorry about William.
Comment by Veronica — November 11, 2007 @ 7:17 am
You know, when things go wrong, it feels like it needs to be somebody’s fault… and as Mom’s we generally shoulder the blame ourselves. I know it doesn’t logically make sense, but I still in the teeniest darkest places of my heart carry a feeling of guilt over every miscarriage and also over my daughter’s medical complications. While it is easy to say to you, “Don’t blame yourself, it wasn’t your fault”, and it wasn’t… I really can’t walk the talk myself. So instead, I’ll just send you a cyberhug and say that I understand a little of how you feel. I think you are a beautiful, brilliant mom. I think that is why God gave you William… because He knew you would love him the way he deserved to be loved in the time that he was here.
Comment by childlife — November 11, 2007 @ 4:21 pm
I was planning to attempt a VBAC this past summer with the birth of our son. However, after several hours of labor and no dilation, my doctor said he would not induce due to the risk of rupture and I was so afraid of what could happen if I waited. After having wanted a VBAC so badly, I finally agreed to the repeat c-section. Interestingly enough - once the baby was born, I realized it didn’t matter HOW he got in to my arms, so long as he was there. But there certainly is something primal about wanting to experience birth “naturally.”
Your story is absolutely heartbreaking. I am so sorry for the loss of your William.
Comment by Jen @ amazingtrips — November 11, 2007 @ 4:29 pm
I am not going to try and say anything profound. you would have heard it all before.
Just sending you hugs and healing for your heart.
Comment by Kelley — November 11, 2007 @ 6:02 pm
Thankyou.xoxox
Comment by kim — November 11, 2007 @ 6:30 pm
I just wanted to thank you for sharing this journey with us all. It can’t be easy.
((hugs))
CB
x
Comment by Cellobella — November 11, 2007 @ 11:52 pm
So much of this I can not even comprehend. Thank you for sharing.
You have all my best wishes, and respect.
Comment by Xbox4NappyRash — November 12, 2007 @ 7:44 am
Oh Tiff , I can only imagine how many tears you shed writing this post. {hugs}. You could never have known what was going to happen…I can’t articulate any words of comfort but you know what I mean when I say I am so sorry your precious lil man William didn’t get to stay.Though I am glad we got to become special friends through losing our children I would give it all away for us never to gone through this.
Comment by babyamore — November 12, 2007 @ 10:17 am
thank you all so much. It is a hard story to tell but it is also therapeautic to tell it.
Comment by Tiff — November 12, 2007 @ 5:12 pm