I remember…
I remember the day you were born. The early Autumn sun creeping through the window of the birthing room. My heart full of hope for you, eager to meet you, look into your eyes.
I remember the day you were born. The room full with love. Time marched ever onwards as we waited for you. Longed for you.
I wondered how it would be, having a son after only daughters. I worried.
Your father was excited to have a boy, anticipated his life with you.
I was supposed to birth you, feed you, nurture you. Supposed to…
I remember the day you were born. You didn’t cry when they pulled you from my being. You were so very still as the doctors worked around you. There were people and machines and noise but for an instant, there was just you and me.
I remember the first time, days later, that you looked at me. Those big blue eyes. I swam in their deep beauty, soaked them up. I touched your hand and your fingers curled around mine. A sweet moment between us, one to hold on to.
I remember watching your body fade, the whisper of death upon you. It was calling to you but we needed to say our goodbyes.
We christened you and for one last time you opened your eyes and took us in, as if to hold us close, as you went to a better place.
I remember we kissed you and told you of our love. We told you we were honoured to have met you but we knew you had some place else to be. We told you it was okay.
I remember the doctors stripping you down, leaving you naked without your tubes and wires. Just a boy. Flesh and blood. Unable to live without them.
I remember the day you died. It was sunny but in my heart the clouds were dark. I couldn’t hold you as you took your last breath in the late afternoon of Autumn. I couldn’t hold you because I had let you down. I could not give you life. I could only give you release.
I remember the day you died, my father dressed in a pure white shirt. It seemed out of place.
I remember family and friends helping your spirit fly away, helping us to let you go.
I remember the day you died. I held onto you for the first and last time. Your body still warm and although I willed your breath to come, it did not. I looked at you, at your features, without the tape and the tubes. I drank you in, hoping never to forget the weight of you, your smell.
I remember the moment that I gave you to the nurse. The last day I would ever see you. I wanted to run after her. I wanted you back but all I could do was cry and walk away. Leaving you with strangers.
With every breath that I have left in me I will remember you. I will honour you by loving your brother and sisters, your father and your cousins. I will remember the gifts that you gave to me and I will honour them by forgiving myself.
Today, as we remember all of the babies who have not survived this life, I will remember you, my son.
that was beautiful. and so sad. you captured it. may your baby boy be free and peaceful. and may you be free and peaceful too.
Comment by Dawn — October 15, 2007 @ 11:24 am
This is a lovely post.
Comment by Missy — October 15, 2007 @ 11:30 am
Beautiful post.
Comment by Karen (Misc Mum) — October 15, 2007 @ 2:33 pm
Thank you so much for posting this… I was able to release some long-locked away tears…
Comment by childlife — October 15, 2007 @ 2:42 pm
Tiff , thinking of you all today as you remember William , your beautiful boy. Such endearing, heart felt words. I am lost for words - heaven and earth weeps today for all our angels. I will light the candles tonight.
Comment by Trish — October 15, 2007 @ 3:07 pm
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story, may the God of all peace comfort you….
Comment by misi — October 15, 2007 @ 7:20 pm
(Tiff)
Comment by Tracey — October 15, 2007 @ 9:06 pm
I came here to thank you for your kind thoughts on my blog and now I am here to thank you for that post.
Beautiful. Bittersweet. Now excuse me while I kiss my babies (even though two are taller than me now) while I remember my own angel babies.
Comment by Kelley — October 15, 2007 @ 9:29 pm
This is so beautiful. I wish that I knew what to say. Beautiful.
Comment by Mama Zen — October 15, 2007 @ 10:57 pm
Soo beautiful.
Comment by Head Gaggler — October 16, 2007 @ 3:29 am
thank you for sharing that, it was very beautiful. and thank you for you visit to my blog. I appreciate it so much.
Comment by Karen — October 16, 2007 @ 6:09 am
That was so incredibly moving. I am so sorry for your loss and so very grateful for your sharing and your gift with words.
Comment by amanda — October 16, 2007 @ 6:44 am
It was an honour to share in your treasured memories.
Comment by Mad goat lady — October 16, 2007 @ 7:37 am
This made me cry. I lit a candle for you last night.
He was and is a beautiful baby.
Comment by Veronica — October 16, 2007 @ 7:35 pm
I’m so sorry. I cried when I read this and I’m not sure what to say. Just that my heart feels this and feels for you and your family. And I really do appreciate your sharing.
Comment by Big Pumpkin — October 18, 2007 @ 2:42 am
Tiff, such beautiful thoughts so beautifully worded. I have no doubt he knew how loved and wanted he was.
Comment by Mel — October 18, 2007 @ 4:07 pm
I am so sorry you had to endure such a heart-wrenching loss! Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It truly touched me to read.
Comment by An Ordinary Mom — October 25, 2007 @ 1:42 pm
This made me feel different, like im special.. like i am lucky.. i longed realized that my life is a gift.
I am sorry for your loss, and i wish peace to you, and that baby. I wish so much to happen between you 2.. where ever he is, he knows you as his caring mom. =[
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