Today it has been raining. Sometimes hard and sometimes just drizzling. It kind of compliments the day that it is. William’s angel day. The day, three years ago, that we let William go. There were so many highs and lows of the five days surrounding his birth and death. The lowest was having to turn off the ventilator. His death, although terrible, was beautiful as well. We were in the courtyard just outside of the NICU ward at Westmead. The sun was out but it wasn’t too hot. All of our family were there and some of our friends. If a life had to be lost, it was the nicest way to lose it.
We have come so far in three years. So much has happened. I look at my family now and I think I can let myself feel ok today. I woke up angry. As seems to be my trait on William’s angel day but it soon left me and I did feel a kind of peacefulness that I haven’t had for the last two anniversaries. Maybe it was the break in the weather. Maybe it was all the kids looking towards the sky, hopeful that their brother and cousin was looking down on them, I’m not sure but as we released our balloons to the heavens, the sun peaking through the dark clouds, I felt okay. Not happy but not sad or angry or confused but present. Definately there, in the moment.
We let the balloons go and watched them for as long as we could see them. They floated really high this year. They soared!
David’s Mum came up to be with us and Dave cooked his famous fried rice and we ate all our favourite foods. More chocolate eggs and ice cream (good depression busting food).
The kids are all watching a DVD now and Dave and I are just veging. Ivy and Noah are roaming around the lounge room, occasionally turning the DVD off. We’re all a bit tired, I think but it’s nice to be together for a change.