My babies are growing up too fast. Ivy is now walking all over the loungeroom and can even corner now. All that in just a few days. Soon they’ll both be running. Noah is taking up to eight steps before he flings himself into whoever’s lap is convenient.
This morning we made a decision as to what we are going to do for William’s third birthday and my mind and my heart finds itself thinking more and more of my little boy and what will never be. Sometimes the feelings surrounding his birth and death are all still so raw, it is like it was yesterday. The tears always fall easily around this time but this year, has been particularly emotional. Last year was so busy with two newborn babies and the first year, I was ‘allowed’ to celebrate and grieve my son. This year, many want to forget, think I should be ‘over’ him, think I should just concentrate on Ivy and Noah and feel lucky to be given another chance. I am. I will be eternally grateful for all that I have been given. Especially the chance to watch Ivy and Noah grow up. All my children are miracles. None of them easy to conceive , to carry or to birth. Even with this knowledge, even being thankful for all that I have doesn’t take that emptiness away, that hole that is left where William should be. It is a feeling of being incomplete, in some way. David doesn’t talk about WIlliam much anymore. I know he is dealing with things in his own way but sometimes I am hurt that he doesn’t acknowledge his firstborn son. All the girls and AJ accept William and talk about him freely. I have noticed an escalation in their comments and questions about him lately and wonder if they realise they are doing it or if it is a subconcious thing because it is getting close to the 2nd of April.
We’ll do a balloon release again this year, as we always do on his angel day but for his birthday, which I think should be a celebration of the amazing baby boy that William was, we are going to go to the zoo. I think at three, William would have enjoyed the zoo and the girls agree. Because we live a long way from Sydney we’ll have to start the day early but it should be a lovely day. It feels better now, knowing what we are going to do.
I just needed to get all of that down this morning. There might be more later. Who knows what the day might bring?